It is not in my nature to talk about myself (at least directly). Part of it is a feeling of inferiority, another part is a flight from solipsism, which I always fear I am sinking into. Even in this blog, I try to stay away from myself and focus more on the topic, so that anything relating to me personally is incidental. This can be great for aesthetic pursuits, as with that paragon Shakespeare, who so removed his self from his works that we know, to paraphrase Borges, everything and nothing about him. It is not so great in life.
Despite so much praise and so much belief from others that I will succeed fabulously, I must admit that I suffer from a rather low sense of self-regard and an immense doubt that I'll amount to even a hill of beans, and it is nothing new. I had two small nervous breakdowns before college, and almost another one, which, in an attempt to quell it before it overtook me, led to telling my parents I am bi, which only helped in taking my mind from one issue to another. The first two dealt specifically with the immense burden I felt to succeed (mostly coming from myself), while the almost-one was related to my sexuality. But they all were connected by the feeling of unworth. I did not think I could succeed, and I did not like myself at the time for liking all sexes (oh, younger me. . .). Only now am I fully getting over the latter, but now that the stakes are higher, the former is even more troublesome. As a composer, I have to go in with a certain mentality that what I am doing is good, at least worthy of performance, or why bother? Almost every day, though, I face the fear that I am outmoded, old-fashioned, and practically every new piece is a reluctant embrace of more "modern" practices (though I am really embracing the expansion of my personal art). This inferiority is also a hindrance to conversation, for rarely do I feel like I have something of interest to say (which compounds my natural shyness and difficulty with words while talking).
As stated above, another part of the problem is the desire to avoid falling into myself. Solipsism, "the philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist," is great in art (Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest is a great example), but you should probably turn the other way if you encounter a solipsist. For me, the temptation to fall into such a state is a defensive measure, a shielding from that which could cause me trouble. To ward it off, I try to take myself as un-seriously as possible. The title of this blog is a somewhat serious thing, but it is also my joke on the egotism involved in blogging. Also, I think arrogance can coincide with solipsism; a friend asked about the difference between arrogance and confidence, and among the answers, I offered that arrogance is the opinion of others that one has padded his resume; for a solipsist, his resume is everything. It is a dangerous trait to have, because, as I understand it, it comes at the expense of empathy. At any rate, though I don't think I will truly become such, I fear it nonetheless.
I offer this much of myself, first, to get it out of it the way (so I can avoid bringing it up again and again on this blog), but also to discuss the notion of talking about oneself. How far can one go in self-praise before it becomes boasting? How much should one reveal to anyone and everyone? Is there such a thing as full disclosure, and if so, is it a good thing? And how much should privacy be sacrificed? I have chosen to forgo some privacy for myself by writing having this blog, but I still retain the right to my self. These are self-revealing times, and people leave much too little to be desired.
As stated above, another part of the problem is the desire to avoid falling into myself. Solipsism, "the philosophical idea that only one's own mind is sure to exist," is great in art (Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest is a great example), but you should probably turn the other way if you encounter a solipsist. For me, the temptation to fall into such a state is a defensive measure, a shielding from that which could cause me trouble. To ward it off, I try to take myself as un-seriously as possible. The title of this blog is a somewhat serious thing, but it is also my joke on the egotism involved in blogging. Also, I think arrogance can coincide with solipsism; a friend asked about the difference between arrogance and confidence, and among the answers, I offered that arrogance is the opinion of others that one has padded his resume; for a solipsist, his resume is everything. It is a dangerous trait to have, because, as I understand it, it comes at the expense of empathy. At any rate, though I don't think I will truly become such, I fear it nonetheless.
I offer this much of myself, first, to get it out of it the way (so I can avoid bringing it up again and again on this blog), but also to discuss the notion of talking about oneself. How far can one go in self-praise before it becomes boasting? How much should one reveal to anyone and everyone? Is there such a thing as full disclosure, and if so, is it a good thing? And how much should privacy be sacrificed? I have chosen to forgo some privacy for myself by writing having this blog, but I still retain the right to my self. These are self-revealing times, and people leave much too little to be desired.
I don't know that I would consider myself a true solipsist, but I have so little faith in the existence of all things beyond myself that I can't say that I haven't considered the possibility that all my perceptions are false and that my own mind is all that I can find to be true. Especially since I find myself to be false, or at least questionable, on so many occasions.
ReplyDeleteI am legitimately terrified by the idea of openness. I frequently make reference to 'my box of crazy' which I can never open fully around anyone, and when meeting new people, I must carefully measure out doses of my personal feelings, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies.
Also, on a more 'you' note, I didn't know you were bisexual. The more you know.
But believe me, speaking from my own intense fear of failure, social paranoia, and inability to believe that I can be successful, accomplished, or truly learned, the people you choose to surround yourself with have a deep impact upon your capacity to develop beyond your fears.
Finally, I find your blog quite stimulating. Keep it up. :D
The way I see it is that when you first meet a person, you should try to talk equally about yourself and them. If you feel like you're talking too much, ask them questions. If they're talking too much, then chime in with a similar experience or a related topic. After you've been friends with a person for awhile, share with them anything that you're comfortable telling them, when the time is appropriate/when it comes up in conversation. After you've been friends with some one for a huge amount of time, tell them things that you're not so comfortable with. Good friends will generally share equal amounts of their bad experiences, so it usually evens out.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I dislike it when someone doesn't talk about themselves, because it leaves very little room for conversation. It brings said conversation back to overly-discussed "square-one" topics, like music, books, and general interests. Not that that isn't sometimes okay, but the non-sharing of information is upsetting.
I wanted to say more, but I forgot. So...stuff and things. I guess the point is to just talk about yourself as much as you want, because people will start giving off "I don't care" signs.
It seems difficult to discern between self-disclosure and self-praise. The line between them is volatile, but I think must depend a lot on the attitude of the person speaking.
ReplyDeleteI know sometimes people talk about themselves to feel important, or to somehow "prove" that they are more important than others, but I think there is another reason a person talks about themselves: so that others can get to know the real them.
In my case, at least, if I meet someone that I like, I want them to like me too. If I really REALLY like the person, then my tendency is to babble on, divulging seemingly random facts or stories about me... because I want them to know who I am, the real me, as soon/much as possible. Perhaps subconsciously I hope that the more the person knows of my character, the more they will continue to like me for myself, in all aspects. The danger is that the more I show of myself, the greater possibility there is of rejection. It all seems to go back to the difference between confidence in who I am (no matter who might scorn me) and arrogance ("oh, that person is worthless because they don't like me").
Thanks for such a thought-provoking post. I've been contemplating your words all afternoon.