It's Not My Party

Parties have always seemed odd to me. Whenever I inform someone that I am going to a party, there is always an awkwardness involved, that the whole notion of me at a shindig is silly. I have known the reason for a bit, but have resisted it, hoping that it was just residual shyness. The truth is, though, I am out of my element at these occasions. The only parties I have really enjoyed are the ones where I'm drunk, either actually or, by happenstance, in a state similar to it. This, to me, is no way to have a good time; perhaps a fun time, but that isn't necessarily the same.

I do not synch well with the conversation; I'm usually not a fan of the music; the food is redundant (oh, a vegetable platter, how wonderful); if there are games or a video, there is usually too much outside chatter (I like to focus on the fun at hand, with only the occasional remark). Essentially, I feel that there is a running joke whose beginning I missed, and it would be fruitless for me to catch up. I am never more alienated than when amongst a group, and the larger the group the more pronounced it becomes. I'm reluctant to make a farewell to parties, but it has become more of an obligation than enjoyment. Thoughts to mull.

Tempus Fugit

Good golly, Miss Molly, it's been a long, long while since last I blogged. Even in my uninteresting life, happenings. . . happen. Just this week I turned twenty-three, proving the Earth still revolves, even if it's not around me. It was a calm birthday; I wore my coat tails for a bit. There was much reflection on the previous year, and it wasn't happy. What wasn't bland was discouraging, and even the good parts were flavored with a manic drive. My love/romantic life is the prime example here. I won't go into details, but some built up steam was released, experience gained, wisdom learned, and the desire for a lasting relationship with a man strengthened. My employed life is another: cashiering at Walmart, part-time, is not the dream, and my desperate attempts at different employment have been miserably unsuccessful. I am in the desert of my life at the moment, and my future self may appreciate it, but the current one occasionally thrashes about at it.

Either that or becomes depressed. I have had plenty of bad days in my life; they come, but then go. Lately, though, I have been having the most severe episodes of what might be manic depression. Just today, up to mid-afternoon, I was feeling rather dapper, then came the question of what should I do next. Within minutes I was a wreck, despondent over doing anything, thinking it fruitless, and so I retired to my bed to embrace Alfred, my stuffed penguin, where I simply allowed myself the time to be miserable. And now I'm okay. This happened last week, though, and I'm worried it may be more than temporary, but it is difficult to tell as, if you return to the above paragraph, I have not had the best year (one of my worst, actually). C'est la vie.

In returning to this blog, I decided to reread all the posts. I stand by everything, mostly, and am relieved that I'm not as stuffy as I feared (perhaps you will differ in opinion). One thing I would like to clarify is my position on God, religion, and the lot. I realized I could seem a strong Christian in much of my writing, but the truth is far more equivocal. Such things are written at a remove from the Real Me, Myself, that is, the person who still isn't quite sure if God is real. They are, instead, written by Christian Hendricks, Artist, who writes from a stance that He exists as a springboard for other matters. The demarcation between the two is blurry, and I find myself frequently taking from both simultaneously.

I think this suffices for the moment, so good night, and I shall try to keep this up.

I've Got a Little List (of Gratitude)

My friend Lucy initiated an advent calendar of gratitude for November, and I decided to participate as well. I'll update this about every five days.

1.) I am grateful for Life.
Not much else counts in this world if you're dead. Whether or not there's an afterlife, your corpse can't enjoy what pleasures and delights can be had on this planet. As the Teacher says in Ecclesiastes: 9:4-10
Anyone who is among the living has hope—even a live dog is better off than a dead lion!

5 For the living know that they will die,
but the dead know nothing;
they have no further reward,
and even their name is forgotten.
6 Their love, their hate
and their jealousy have long since vanished;
never again will they have a part
in anything that happens under the sun.

7 Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for God has already approved what you do. 8 Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. 9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. 10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

2.)  I am grateful for Liberty.
What good is life if you are not free to live it as you please? These days the maxim that you are most grateful for the things you've lost is becoming more and more true, and as our freedoms erode, I can only be thankful for those I still have.

3.) I am grateful for Gratitude.
Yes, meta-gratitude. It's important, for it's a form of humility that perhaps shows the greatest strength. When you show thankfulness, you acknowledge the greatness of others, and when you receive it, it is a most wondrous feeling.

4.) I am grateful for Family.
While it is true that I look at my family (and they look at me) and wonder how I came to be, I still love them dearly. Particularly now, as I go through a difficult time in my life, I am glad that I have them around to support me (i.e. let me freeload).

5.) I am grateful for Friends.
My second family. Just like my first one, there are some who are most distant, while there are those I see all the time. And I love them all. I do not make friends quickly, for the most part, unless there is that instant connection. For I am shy and retiring, modest, and not prone to speaking (unless libations open me up). The friends I do have made it through that barrier and have access to my more inner self; ask, and I will likely tell you. They made it through only because I think they are the most wonderful people I have met, and after my recent graduation, the pang of long and frequent separation from them is most keenly felt.

6.) I am grateful for the Arts, the best being Music.
The more I think of it, the less I believe that one's physical self can live without art. I'll save myself from waxing poetic, but I'll let this article explain. 

7.) I am grateful for Literature.
My first ardent desire was to be a writer, ever since I was in the 1st grade (or kindergarten). My first story was a fable involving a pumpkin. From then to now, I've written all manner of things, even a novella that wasn't half bad (but it also wasn't half good). Now I write poetry and librettos. Literature has never been about escapism for me: if I want to escape, I prefer more immediate means like a TV or music. Rather, it is the artistic ordering of life, the vivification of the mundane and the beautification of the ugly, that I love about literature. My favorite novel, "Don Quixote," captures this best, as it isn't about a man escaping into his fantasies of knights, but dealing with the worst of life head on, the worst being Death itself.

8.) I am grateful for my Health.
Let me get it out of the way: there are plenty of things about my physical self I dislike. I am prone to heaviness, and the fat tends to collect around my waist and face; I have frequent, often hindering headaches; my eyesight isn't the best; I can tire easily; I don't think I have the best looks (though I do think I have some handsomeness). However, the most heinous issue I've had with my health was a bout of gut pains for a few weeks last summer. Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. When I see wheelchair bound people, or hear about those for whom the hospital is a second home, I feel both pity for them and thankfulness that, despite the problems I have with my body, it still functions well enough to let me live as I would like.

9.) I am grateful for my Brain.
For most of my life I have been known as "the smart one," even though I was friends with a guy who was more worthy of that title. I have yet to understand the nature of my intellect, for there is a constant dialectic between the rational and emotional (or, a battle between what I know is right and what I think is nice), and just when I think one side is the more prominent, the other stands up and says not so fast. But whatever problems it presents, my intellect is supposedly one of my defining features, and for that I am thankful.

10.) I am grateful for Sleep.
It is pretty much the one constant part of your life where you don't have to deal with other people's BS. If you experience something in your slumbers, it is of your doing; if it is good, then try to enhance, if it is bad, try to eliminate it. One of the safest feelings I have is lying underneath all my blankets (as long as I can keep the bad thoughts away).

11.) I am grateful for Light.
Dark, dreary days can bring out my homebody ways, and I'm thankful for that, but I have a strong and sensitive reaction with light of a both concrete and abstract nature. Seasonal depression can affect me greatly during the winter, particularly when I do not have things to distract me; and I'm happier in the mornings where soft sunlight breezes into my bedroom. More often than not, light actually lessens the pain of my headaches. I love art that gives off a shimmer, has a warmth, or is otherwise bright. I have something of a personal Trinity, which is Life, Liberty, and Light, which I find links up with the Holy Trinity quite nicely, for God created us, Jesus set us free, and the Holy Spirit, to me, descends upon us as light.

11.b) I am also grateful for Night.
God saw it fit to have night within a day, so should we also not accept it? For that which is dark will fade into darkness, but that which has even a little light will still stand out, even a bit. Night therefore gives us a piercing, confirmatory perspective on what light can reveal. Plus, there is much beauty in this part of the day.

12.) I am grateful for (Real) Money.
Money makes the modern world possible. It is a step up from the barter system, whereby one could only acquire an item or service through direct trade (or making/doing it yourself), and which could only take mankind so far.
I am NOT grateful for fiat currencies, which is what has allowed many of our modern ailments, such as depraved and massive warfare, hyper-inflation, etc.

13.) I am grateful that I have too many things to be grateful for.
I would save this for Thanksgiving, but I'd probably forget. Perhaps it is also a cop-out, since I couldn't really decide on something. But there is so much that is good in my life that I do not even see it all yet; that is why we say hindsight is 20/20.

14.) I am grateful that my best friend for many years is a Jehovah's Witness.
This may be an odd thing to be grateful for, but from my friendship I learned many things:
a.) Tolerance/Acceptance.
It's one thing to know a Catholic or Lutheran - they're everywhere. But unless they are about, one doesn't meet too many Witnesses, and they are a different sort of Christian. Not that I would be a bigot now if we hadn't been friends, but in dealing with questions like why Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas, you learn that there are many ways to view things.
b.) Learning that there are many ways to view things.
If you don't know the beliefs of Witnesses, I suggest looking them up. At the least, you will get a different version of Christianity, which goes against the grain of many other denominations.
c.) Respect, and how to earn it.
Not just showing it, but earning it. My friend's parents were cautious of letting their son hang out with anyone, and it took a while for me to gain enough respect to become a trusted friend of the whole family. And in doing this, they gained my respect.
d.) Maintaining a principled stance.
Perhaps Witnesses are too rigid in their beliefs, but to paraphrase G.K. Chesterton, should we be so open in our beliefs that our brains fall out of our heads? Despite some unfortunate comments from our peers, my friend never backed down from what he thought was right.

15.) I am thankful for my Piano.
As long as I'm home, I have a friend I can talk to. He listens to me unconditionally, and when he responds, no matter how hurt or happy I am, the music is always great for the soul, and usually beautiful.

Today's Special: 6 Business Ideas (for FREE!)

I have often thought about starting my own business. Within five minutes, though, I am so overwhelmed with the thought of dealing with bureaucracy that my dreams are forever smashed. Besides, I would need another person to deal with the actual business side, the part with the numbers, quarterly sales meetings, deals, and so on, because I'm more of an idea/big picture person. My creativity is more for the product itself, not it's marketing. 

Before I start listing ideas, I think it is important to define the state of the world and what it needs at the moment. Anyone can conceive of a coffee house, but do we really need more overpriced drinks and brownies so large they look like they devoured other brownies? We must avoid "bubble companies," places like cupcakeries and Pop-Tart delicatessens which piggy-back on economic bubbles, for once the bubble has popped, so will the company. It is also important to note that the world is not America. Much of it is still only developing or lower, so what might seem run of the mill here could be a real innovation elsewhere. This means that while competition here and in Europe is dog-eat-dog, one might fit in quite easily elsewhere and quickly become prosperous. Meanwhile, what isn't developing or lower is currently hurting. The future is so dark at the moment for many first-world nations that we can barely see anything past a year, and what we do see is frightening. This is another reason to avoid frivolous things like coffee houses (unless it assured that it could work in your place; I would say, avoid New York City); people will need businesses that provides them essentials (and cheaply). They will also need, however, diversion from all the bleakness. YouTube became wildly successful for providing both, as evidenced by at one moment watching tutorials on using Microsoft Office to cat massaging. This brings me to another point: technology. Who knew we would need iPads? Steve Jobs. Facebook has become one of the most fabulously successful companies around, and in only a decade (its creation was even the basis of a good movie). Google continues its path to gobble up everything (ex. YouTube). Therefore, technology and the internet are great places to work in, if you can (here is where I would definitely be an idea man; I don't know code or how to put together a computer). Also, see if you can provide something for very little or free. The above companies do such, but they make money from other means, such as advertisement. That covers a good deal, and though I could probably point out more concerns, I will just move on to the list.

1. Self-publishing: This covers everything from creating the physical book to getting it on shelves (physical or electronic). It is relatively easy to do this these days, without the need of going to some publishing company and praying that some lower level employee won't just stow it away. Companies have arisen that don't care what your book is, but they will create the physical copies for you. Or you could make them yourself. There are now machines one can purchase at a relatively low price and, with a little extra space, one can be a micro-publisher. Then there are e-books, which eliminates the need for any publishing. Get Adobe Acrobat, and you can put finely crafted books online for people to purchase. As a composer, I myself would focus on making sheet music available. Caveat emptor: avoid pricey and ridiculous copyright schemes. Instead, get a Creative Commons license. 
2. Website of websites: There are so many websites I go to at the moment, and it can be hard to keep track of them all. Something like a blog feed would be nice. However, these sites involve constantly updated information, like new job postings, or the status of an application, or emails, and it would be nice if I had one place to go for it all. I would log on to my account on this meta-website and see all sorts of updated info for job sites, emails from various email accounts, perhaps bills that I pay online. Whatever it is that keep track of online, it could be compiled into one place for me. The problem here is security: that is a lot of information to have available at once, so maybe instead of immediate access, one could log in to each site from this one place. The meta-website can then suggest related websites that might interest the user, enhanced by being connected to one's social website (Facebook, etc.). This could go many ways
3. Social networking: It seems like Facebook has the market cornered here, but many people have begun complaining about the many changes it keeps making. Then Google devised Google+, and people have switched over. I do not use Google+, because I have no desire to at the moment and Facebook works just fine for me. However, I bet either site could still be improved upon. Facebook, after all, did completely out do that other site, MySpace, or whatever it's called (does anyone still use that?).
4. Jack-of-all-trades: Let's face it, hard times are coming, and the less you have to pay to have something done, the better. So if you can have one person do most of the tasks, then that consolidates your payment. Start a business where you hire people who can do anything and everything, from lawn care to home care, driving someone around, personal care, organizer, planner, and so on. The problem here is that much of this may require state licensing, so unless one can deal with the headaches therein involved, this may not be the best route.
5. Personal software developer: Perhaps Hector has a great idea for a computer game, and he can lay out all story lines and characters and such, but has no idea how to go about actually creating it. He's in luck, because your company will work with him to do such. Payment can be before-hand or after the fact, or both, depending on what Hector wants to do with it.
6. Generating business ideas: There are two sides here: a.) someone wants to start a company, and maybe has a vague idea of what they want, which you and your team flesh out this person and make a reality; or b.) someone already has a company, but is looking for a way to add more, to branch out, or simply refresh it, so you and your team look at what's going and formulate solutions. Perhaps something like this already exists--I don't know, and I don't really care at the moment. These are just ideas.

So there you have it, some ideas that I've had or just created on the spot here. If anyone who reads this acts on these ideas and becomes profitable, great. But please keep me in mind when you're raking in your millions.

Blame

I know a few people who will blame anything and everything but themselves. "I didn't have a good morning because you didn't have coffee made." "I failed my test because the teacher didn't tell us everything that would be on it, and you didn't help me study." And so on. I'm going to make this a short post and say: Try blaming yourself first. This post is inspired by a Facebook debate about the economy and education and Wall Street Occupiers and etc., like many others, and it suddenly struck me that what everyone needed (myself even on occasion) was a hardy slap and to be told to look to thine own faults. Sure, the government is awful and has ruined our economy; Wall Street and other mainstream financial/economists types, supported by the government, has done the dirty work to screw us over; and so on. But I say, are we not all to blame? Has not our common compliance with dictates, has not our common avarice, has not our sense of superiority, our imperial short-sightedness lay the foundation of our current state of affairs? If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself. Large amounts of peoples have made, are making, and will make themselves better because individuals improved their own lot before meddling in the affairs of others. To go to something smaller: are you in a difficult situation? Instead of blaming the shortcomings of others, look to your own and improve them.  

End rant.